American Civil War Letters – 9 April 1848
To: Mr Lloyd MintwinSavannah, Georgia.
From: AnnaFenisburgh, Vermount.
Fernsburgh April 9th 1848
Ever dearest Lloyd-
Thy most welcome and long expected letter was received on the 4th inst. and no doubt in this there has received mine of the 11th inst and perhaps there is no answering it but I hope the answer is on it way – it was a very very long time that I did not hear from thee – from March 8th till April 4th – Why was thee so long? did thee not know how anxiously I should wait and wait for tidings from the beloved one of my heart how heavily the days would pass – how my heart would sink when at each return from the office there was no letter from them? all this I feel dearest when an unusual length of time passes between thy letters – I imagine to much that may prevent thy writing that I feel no rest till the wished for letter comes – does thee feel at all so with regard to my letters.
I am very glad my letters cheer thee so – even if writing of itself was no pleasure this would be an inducement – I was intending to write to thee during the past week – before thy letter arrived it is a pleasure to me to write to thee and to know that I express intelligibly what I feel – the deepest love. So dearest – the long catalogin of faults does not make me afraid in truth. I knew or suspected them all before but it does make me afraid of myself. My faults are so like thine, that I sometimes dread the consequences but I hope for the best that “with mutual forbearance and a world of love” we shall pass through life far more happily than most do- though perhaps Father and Mother will impress us – but when we are as good as they are we shall be as happy but do not speak so about our future life if we were to be no more to each other then marry – nay most – are who marry
I should rather far rather turn back upon my heart this mighty stream of love and let it burst its fountain – so have our ______ probably be always shall him but so long as we know that there is in this heart of each a strong, enduring love for the other there never can be any lasting unhappiness – I believe my all of earthly happiness is bound up in this, – change – distrust – neglect or cool indifference would break my heart but no one would know it – I should change – but to be gayer not sadder but why do I feel so much happier in the future than then is it because then has the sad temperament of looking on the dark did or am I composed of a selfish insensibility-! or sadder yet does thou repent the step thou has taken – if so – tell me now that I know the worst.
I have been reading today thy first letter to me in what a dear sweet letter it is – oh how my heart thrilled as I read those protestations of love – I sometimes wish I could hear thee again for the first time. Tell me thou loved me – oh how my heart beat and my breast quivered and I was afraid thou would kiss it and I tried to force a calmness I could not feel and then I was sorry we were home so soon for I wanted to say more than I did more than I should if our ride had been six miles longer for I could not talk that evening – does thee remember all this or is it I alone that have treasured it in the innermost cell of my heart? What a dull affair my first letter to thee must have been – I remember. so well my feelings I loved thee then – I would have loved to tell thee so – but I was a little afraid of thee – some of the feelings of the child towards “Cousin Lloyd lingered in the heart of the girl who (then addressed him as her love). How strange it all seems. I pray that I may not disappoint thee – that I may not be found unworthy of thy love and dearest if thou finds in me faults – more than thou now thinks I have – bear with me – love me still,- and by kind entreaty try to improve the child whose greatest
virtue perhaps is in loving thee devotedly.
How I wish thou could renounce now & forever the (business) thou so much dislikes, I wish I had an _______ then in some ______ _____ having the world in each other we would “live and love” – but alas I cannot have the pleasure of conferring this happiness upon the man for whom I would sacrifice everything but conscience – and now it is very hard to (refund)thus any share of thy wedding portion – but that old chest would never fit in any where else as it does in that corner by the fireplace and I sometimes fear that the rest of thy wedding portion will be in like situation – that in no place shall I seem so appropriate as here – did thou even think of that, did thou even think how much better the simple country girl appears in her country home than she will in the circles in which thou moves – I have no desire to be a mortification to thee or them – and rather than be so would spend my life in a country schoolhouse or in service in some sober farmers family. So tell me when thou writes to me again if thou has even thought of all this and what thou thinks of it.
I do not believe mother really thinks (indeed I know she does not) that thou has not the same feeling – but mother is sensitive on the score of her affections and cannot face the idea that one she loves as she does thee and who will (I suppose) sometime become one of the family should not be so _______ as well as _______
It does seem very strange that the people at Monkton should have burned those books. Aunt Abby knew nothing of it – they were in the ______ and the girls brought them down and burned when ___ was very busy in another part of the house. She would be very angry if she knew it. I am very sorry I was in hopes I should find some valuable ones and was going to give them to thee.
I have lately been more than ever in dread of that awful disease hydrophobia – I do not know why but it is continually before me
I fear costionms that I ____ than friend
Thy letters of the 2nd was handed me last night do not despond my dearest Lloyd all may yet be successful and if not let us hope that it may be over _____ for good by Him who knows do much better than we can what is ______day to justify us would that be any sacrifice I could assist thy, but I can only sympathise encourage and love most disbutely never does thee seem so inpupitly down to me as whom ______ or _______ beg them kindness upon thee but dearest hope on hope _______ and know what that whatever _____ them signed ______ in my heart is that a soothing thought. Oh that I could aid them is at best that I could lay my cool hand upon thy brow play with they glossy hair ____ my lips upon thy forehead and can those dreadful headaches that I know thou had worn I will answer thy letter soon, The confidence then unfolded in me is qualifying in the extreme not for the sake of the knowledge but the feeling that prompts it dear me not.
Write to me when thou can but if thee could ___ when writing to me then ____ again. My dearest wish beloved I say be of good cheer,
Keep _____ goodnight